Just Start Over, Again...
I have been lax in writing this blog for a while. I sit down to write & what come ups seems empty & not that worth saying. So I walk away & let it be for another week. I thought this was procrastination, that I have written about before, but this feels different. It feels as if I’m frozen & unable to get out what I want to say. I woke up with some thoughts in my head this morning, so thought I would write them down.
Just like the weather outside, that keeps being cold & not letting up, we can get stuck ourselves & unable to move. I am so excited about spring, that on the calendar is less than 3 weeks away. Since I’ve lived in Alberta for so long, I know that the odds of it suddenly turning spring like are slim at best. This can make us feel hopeless & unable to move, or to do what we want or need. It can make us feel, what is the point? Well, the point is, this is life.
Life doesn’t go the way we want a lot of the time, it just keeps moving & we can choose to move with it & all it brings, or to fight everything that comes. I’ve spoke about this idea before, how we swim upstream on the river of life, which just drains our energy & doesn’t not get us where we need to go. But this even feels more like the river is frozen solid. I am sitting beside the river waiting for it to unthaw, & who knows when that will be?
Instead, I need to take this time to sit & be patient. To see the beauty that exists all around me & within me. That the words I want to say are there, they are just slower to reach my ears & harder to decipher. But they are there. Here they are. Just waiting to be said, but the fear of hearing them was making me stuck. We all can feel this way sometimes. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
With my new job as manager of YogaMcc I’ve had to make some tough decisions with my teaching, my family, my life. It’s a new stage & I was stuck wanting things to be the same as before, & they are not. On one hand, it is an exciting challenge, on the other, I am tired and finding life a bit hard to work through. My family was hit with the cold/flu that was going around in a way that we haven’t been in a long time. I was forced to rest & to think. Again, feeling stuck in not be able to do what I need or want. But this too, was a learning for me.
I learned that even with the best intentions of self care, we can still overdo things. I’ve learned that things happen & we need to step up to what is most important, which means some things fall to the wayside for while. I’ve learned that my old patterns will return & I have to choose how to be with them. I’ve learned it’s ok to be stuck for a while, but then to consciously choose to move again.
I don’t know if this resonates with any of you reading this. But these words were stuck in me & are now ready to come out. So here they are, in all their difficult, blunt, yet wonderful ways. So as many of you may have heard me say, just start over. Come back to this moment & just begin again. So I feel things thawing & able to move more again. I feel that I can not only give to others, but to myself in a way that has been lacking in a while. I feel spring is coming, just in a different way than I expected.
The seeds I’ve planted over the years are starting to grow again & I’m excited to see what they turn into. To see what lessons I learn as I tend them & what I need to help them grow. That is the practice. To keep gathering & planting seeds & being patient until they are ready to grow. When they do, to step up and do all you can to care & tend to them. If you get stuck, to find the patience & ability to get unstuck & start over... once again.
Anne Cox E-RYT 500
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